


Try Try Again

by quinship



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: F/F, Groundhog Day AU, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 11:11:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13165719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinship/pseuds/quinship
Summary: Sara finds herself inexplicably living the same day over and over again.





	1. Day 1

On one of the worst days of my life, I awoke to my girlfriend in bed with me. The two of us were as far apart as possible in the bed; a post-coital activity that had become the norm for us. I would have taken the guest bedroom, but the cats preferred the master bedroom, and I was too stubborn to not sleep in my own damned bed. I was also too stubborn to give up the majority of the covers, which I hogged. I honestly didn’t care enough to share. If Stacy didn’t like it, she knew where the other blankets were, and if that wasn’t good enough, she could find another sleeping arrangement. Suffice it to say, I wasn’t very tender towards her anymore.

“Jesus fucking christ, Sara!” Said person was apparently awake now. “Would it fucking kill you to share the covers?” Also, Stacy wasn’t very tender towards me.

“I would prefer not to.” I replied, obnoxiously quoting ‘Bartleby the Scrivener’. Stacy scoffed, getting out of bed, practically throwing the sheets off of herself.

“You can shove your Moby Dick up your ass.” This woman retorted.

“Wrong Herman Melville story.” I snarked back, rolling over, and closing my eyes, ignoring any noise Stacy made back. The bed was warm and I wasn’t wearing clothes. I didn’t really feel like getting up that day. It was Sunday. Unfortunately, Stacy didn’t have work, which was a pity, since I kind of wanted the day to myself. Perhaps I’d spend it with my sister after running some errands, which Stacy had refused to do, and probably would refuse to do, claiming that I needed to pull my weight. I wanted Stacy to pull her own weight out the door and never return.

I reached over and picked up my phone, checking the time. It was just past nine AM, which meant that Tegan wouldn’t likely be awake yet. Whatever. I might as get out of bed anyway. As much as I wanted to stay in there, I couldn’t. Stacy would make some bitchy remark, and we’d get into a fight.

Before getting dressed, I went into the kitchen to turn on the coffee machine. I made it in and out without either me or Stacy saying anything. I knew my girlfriend well enough to know that we were both thinking things, but not saying them. If we vocalized our thoughts, we’d both be in an even worse mood.

I dressed for the day, brushing my hair, washing my face, and made the bed. I put my phone into my back pocket, wishing that Tegan was awake. Sure, I had the key to her apartment, but I didn’t want to look too desperate. Stacy and I were good actors when other people were around. Stacy could win an Oscar.

I went back into the kitchen, first checking the food and water bowl. The water bowl was full but the food bowl was empty. Which meant that I’d have to talk to Stacy.

“Did you feed the cats?” I asked.

“No.” Stacy answered, not looking up from her phone. She was drinking tea, the bag perched on the cute little holders that Tegan had gotten her for Christmas out of obligation. I grit my teeth at the teabag holders… Stacy didn’t deserve anything Tegan gave her.

So, pushing my feelings aside, I fed the cats. I contemplated what I wanted for breakfast besides coffee while I cleaned the litter box and settled on a cup of yogurt. It wouldn’t fill me, but as soon as Tegan was awake, I would go over there. Unless Stacy was planning on leaving, though it didn’t look like it, so far.

I poured myself a big mug of coffee and sat down at the table with my cup of yogurt and a spoon. I studied the grain of the wooden table rather than at my own girlfriend. Once I reached the bottom of the yogurt, I texted Tegan.

> Hey, you up?

I went to Twitter to entertain myself, but less than a minute later, I got a text from Tegan.

> I am now ;)

I felt a little guilty but relieved.

>  Sorry for waking you. But can I come over?

I glanced at Stacy, pursing my lips. There was so much I wanted to say. Five simple words could change everything. But I didn’t say them. Instead, I stared at my phone, drinking my coffee as quietly as possible.

> Yeah, of course. Come whenever but like give me a head’s up the place is a mess
> 
> Want to run some errands with me?
> 
> Sure. I’ve got nothing to do today haha
> 
> Can I eat breakfast with you
> 
> Yeah but just to warn you I only have instant coffee ;)
> 
> I don’t mind I just want to get out of here
> 
> Are you fighting with Stacy?
> 
>  No.

I put my phone down after that. I figured that I might as well tell Tegan the truth. My relationship with Stacy was milked pretty dry, and I wasn’t sure how long it could go on for, even though I had predicted that it would be over within a week a month previously to today. I felt a bit like everything was my responsibility in the relationship because I had been the one to chase Stacy, double text, invite her over, and ask her to stay the night. And now I would probably be the one to break up with Stacy. Honestly, this made me want Stacy to do the work for once. So I decided to endure this as long as it took for Stacy to break up with me. I was patient on the outside. Less so on the inside.

I bit my lip, wondering if I should reply back to Tegan. I hoped that my sister hadn’t taken the text the wrong way.

> Sorry if I hurt your feelings Sasa <3 I just want you to be happy

My face relaxed the slightest bit, and I half wanted to smile. Tegan was the best person in my life, no doubt.

> Don’t worry about it

I put my phone down and drank the rest of my coffee. I cleaned up after myself and then headed off to grab my things. I left the apartment without a single word to Stacy, heading off to Tegan’s place.

> I’m on my way over. Don’t worry about cleaning anything up. If it’s an issue I’ll take care of it lol
> 
> I’m still in my pajamas
> 
> Doesn’t bother me. I’ve seen it before.
> 
> True but you’ll be fully dressed.
> 
> Tegan you’ve vomited on me and given me a bunch of illnesses it’s not a big issue.
> 
> Don’t remind me ugh
> 
> That’s what sisters are for: we remember all the embarrassing things
> 
> Mutually assured destruction
> 
> Yeah but I never vomited on you
> 
> That’s because you lock yourself away and make a home out of the bathroom floor and make everyone think you’re dead when you’re sick
> 
> Tru lmao

I unlocked and opened the door without knocking, then shut and locked it behind myself.

“I’m here,” I announced, approaching Tegan. My twin was indeed in her pajamas, eating cereal and watching reality TV on the couch. I put my stuff down on the coffee table, then removed my coat, placing it on the arm of the couch, and then my boots next to the couch.

“Hey!” Tegan grinned. “Help yourself to anything in the kitchen.”

“You don’t have to tell me that every time. You know I’m going to eat what I want.” I replied, only partially seriously. I went in there anyway and made use of the kettle full of hot water, putting together a cup of instant coffee. I got my own bowl of cereal. Tegan was drinking orange juice and hadn’t put her glass on a coaster, so I brought out extras. “You’re going to mark up your coffee table,” I warned as I sat down and began to eat.

“I don’t care that much.” Tegan shrugged. “I think you and Mum are the only ones that do.”

“Stacy does, as long as I’m not using something as a coaster.” I rolled my eyes. “She tells me not to be so uptight when I do use one, but if I can’t find one, it’s all ‘You need to be using a coaster, Sara’.”

“Are you two ok?” Tegan asked earnestly, her eyebrows furrowed. “It sounds like you guys are on a rough patch, from what you’ve been saying today.” I shook my head.

“It’s not that.” I took a bite of my cereal, using my time to chew as a pause so that I could think of what to say. “Our relationship is just… Old.”

“I thought she was it for you.” Tegan murmured softly. “I’m sorry, Sara.”

“You don’t even like her all that much. Besides, you thought Emy was going to be the one.” I reminded her, trying to brush it off. “Honestly, though, I’m just waiting for Stacy to finally break up with me, but she’s probably waiting for me to break up with her.” Tegan’s eyebrows shot to the ceiling; her eyes wide. She choked a little bit, and so I whacked her on the back, trying to remember how to do the Heimlich maneuver if need be. After all, if Tegan choked to death, my life would go past rock bottom and find absolute zero.

“I didn’t think it was that bad.” Tegan sputtered in the midst of her coughing.

“She and I are pretty private.” I shrugged. “People just don’t need to know when the spark has left; it’s not anyone’s business. I mean, I guess I’m making it yours now.”

“I mean, I understand, but Jesus… You’re good at faking it.” Tegan muttered. She bit her lip.

“I’m tired of her,” I confessed, practically exploding with this explanation. “I don’t really want to be single or start all over again with anyone. I’m not even sure if I believe in love anymore. So, what’s the point of even trying again?” I felt a little deflated after holding that in for so long.

“Why not?” Tegan looked devastated by that admission.

“I just haven’t found anything that makes me think that there’s really anyone I could actually love. I’m thirty-six, for fuck’s sake.” I stared at the ground. “I think… I think the closest I ever got was Emy, but she and I are better off as friends.” Tegan placed her own cereal bowl on the coffee table, and then pried mine out of my hands, and moved it too (only because I let her). I saw it coming but was still surprised by Tegan hugging me. I was at first unsure of what to do with my hands but remembered that my arms were supposed to go around Tegan. I leaned into the hug, tired eyes staring at the window and the entire world that we were only tiny parts of.

“I want you to be happy,” Tegan whispered, still not letting go of me.

“Well, I guess something’s got to change in my life, huh?” I grimaced. “I know I should break up with Stacy. I really should, I’m just sick of doing everything.”

“If you want, I’ll break up with her for you.” Tegan offered, pulling away.

“No, I don’t want you to get involved.” I sighed. “She’d get angry, and I don’t want her to get angry at you.”

“Sap.” Tegan jostled my shoulder, and I offered a lopsided smile, reaching for my coffee and taking a long sip.

“Sure I am,” I replied sarcastically.

“So when did you want to go to stores and stuff?” Tegan asked, changing the subject, turning her attention back to her cereal.

“Probably soon, but don’t rush yourself to get dressed. Wouldn’t want you to break a bone.” I joked morbidly. “Then we’d be in the hospital and I’d have to tell Stacy where I was.”

“You really hate her that much?” Tegan furrowed her eyebrows.

“I’m just tired of the relationship,” I explained. “I’ve kept a running dialogue of snarky and rude comments going in my mind and I’m finally just vocalizing it. The relationship is like a stale piece of Wonder bread. I need to probably suck it up and end it, but I want to figure out what I’m going to do next. Do I stay celibate and single for a while? Do I date casually? Do I hook up? Do I get serious? Is any of that even worth doing if I don’t believe in love? I want to have things figured out before I move on.” I shrugged.

“You’ll figure it out,” Tegan promised. “I’ll help you if you want.”

“That’s part of the problem. I don’t really know what I want.” I explained before shoving a heaping spoonful of cereal into my mouth to get Tegan to stop making me talk.

“That’s ok. I didn’t really know what I wanted after my girlfriend and I broke up.” Tegan offered. “So I took some time to be alone.”

“I thought you were still taking some time to be alone,” I said, my mouth full, but an eyebrow rose in confusion.

“I was, but I did figure out what I want.” Tegan avoided eye contact, looking into her almost empty orange juice glass. “I don’t think I’ll be likely to get it, though.”

“What do you mean?” I nudged my sister. “Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“You say that… But…” Tegan sighed heavily. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“If they don’t want you, then they’re not worth your time.” I murmured.

“You’re being a hypocrite,” Tegan muttered. “Besides, she doesn’t even know that I love her that way.”

“Just tell her. What’s the worst she could say? No? Come on, Tegan… You’ve dealt with rejection before. It doesn’t have to change your friendship. If Emy and I can still be close friends, you can still be friends with her.” I said, a little bit irritated by how cowardly about this I thought Tegan was being. The two of us silently finished our respective breakfasts next to one another. Tegan finished hers first, naturally, and took her dishes into the kitchen to clean them up.

“I’m going to get changed. I’ll shower real quick because my hair is gross.” Tegan announced.

“Thank you for admitting it!” I called out after her.

“You’re a bitch!” Tegan replied, teasing me back.

“Bitches get shit done!” I reminded her. I found myself smiling for the first time that day. I finished my second breakfast and cleaned up after myself and Tegan. I began to wipe down the counter and the stove just for something to do. When Tegan still wasn’t ready once I finished that, I began to sweep the floor. Once I finished that, Tegan was trying to put on her dirty old converse sneakers. “When was the last time you cleaned those?” I asked, an eyebrow raised.

“Never. Who the fuck cleans their shoes?” Tegan replied. “I mean, aside from when you get gum or something gross on them.”

“It’s called baking soda, laundry detergent, and a toothbrush. I don’t think you own any of those.” I joked.

“I object!” Tegan rolled her eyes, finishing up tying her shoes.

“Took you long enough.” I teased, letting Tegan put on her coat.

“We have plenty of time,” Tegan promised. “It’s still morning.”

I didn’t generally enjoy shopping (unless it was for clothes), but it was bearable with Tegan. Once we were loaded down with all of the things Stacy and I needed, Tegan and I got an Uber back to my apartment. Our driver looked at us weirdly, but we pretended not to notice.

“Hopefully Stacy went off to jazzercise or something like that,” I muttered out of the corner of my mouth. Tegan snorted.

“I can’t see her in the neon colored exercise clothes but I could see her going to hot yoga.” She remarked.

“She and I did that together for a while, but I don’t like sweating like that, so we stopped.” I made a face. “I can only do certain types of exercise because I hate it in general. Yeah, it makes you healthy, but I’m lazy as fuck. I do have respect for anyone with the discipline to go to any exercise classes, though. I also wouldn’t want to look at myself in a mirror while I exercise.”

“Remind me to never go to the gym with you, then,” Tegan said with a smirk. I scoffed at that joke. The two of us made it to my apartment door, and I put my bags down to open the door and prevent the cats from making a break for it. It took a little bit of effort to make sure that the cats didn’t escape while we brought the groceries inside.

We worked together to get everything put away. The apartment was quiet, but not in the empty way that it usually felt when Stacy and I were at home together with nobody else.

“So what else did you want to do today?” Tegan asked. She bit her lip.

“Get intoxicated,” I answered. “I don’t really know. We can go someplace for lunch together. Or we can eat here and just loaf around.”

“Anything’s fine with me,” Tegan promised.

I felt my phone buzz and groaned when I saw that it was Stacy informing me that we, as a couple, were invited out for the evening. I just wanted everything to be over with, but I didn’t use my own ability to make it so. I’d honestly have preferred a quiet night with some hard liquor, no talking, and reality TV if I had to spend it with Stacy. Maybe if I had to be around people, I’d bring Tegan along and I could mutter dry comments out of the corner of my mouth to her and feel less disinterested.

> Can Tegan come?

I clenched my jaw, waiting for the response.

> Sure I guess

I smiled triumphantly at this text.

“Hey Tegan, Stacy and I got invited out someplace with a group of people and if you want to go, you’re invited too,” I informed Tegan.

“Ugh. Going out with you two is always weird but now it’s going to be even weirder now that I know that it’s all just an act.” Tegan complained, wrinkling her nose.

“How do you think I feel?” I asked dryly. “C’mon Tegan… you’re the only one I actually want to be around. You can be my date.” I winked at my sister. “Cause goodness knows that my girlfriend won’t be fun to be around.” Tegan smiled, however, looking a little uncomfortable. I immediately frowned at this. “Was it the joke about you being my date?” I asked softly. “I’m sorry, Tegan. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Tegan sighed. “It’s just that I’m still recovering from that one Folger’s commercial season.” I snorted.

“I know you think that’s bad so that, again, is why you shouldn’t read The Hotel New Hampshire .” I nudged Tegan, unable to hide my smile.

“You’re such a freak.” Tegan broke out into a smile, no malice in her voice.

“Oh no… I’m so offended… You’ve hurt my feelings.” I replied sarcastically and let out a breath, and then began to speak seriously. “You know what I really want, though? I want this day to be over. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do with it. I don’t want all of this time.”

“Well, what’re you going to do about it?” Tegan asked.

“Unfortunately, drinking alcohol before noon is frowned upon,” I remarked. “And if I did that people would pay attention to me and get all concerned.  Sometimes I wish I could just disappear and figure out who I am. Can you believe it? I’m halfway through my thirties and I still don’t know who I am. I wish I could start over and go to college on my own, actually. Make friends, figure out what I want… have my optimism back…” I shook my head.

“You should just move in with me,” Tegan suggested. “I’m still figuring things out too. Don’t be with Stacy unless you actually want to be.”

“I don’t…” I shrugged. “But I don’t think moving in with you is the best idea.”

“Sara, we’re not twenty anymore.” Tegan reminded me. “We can get along without attacking each other.”

“I’m not talking about that.” I rolled my eyes. “I just don’t know how to end mine and Stacy’s relationship.”

“Just say the words ‘I’m breaking up with you’. It’s really not that hard.” Tegan pointed out.

“You do have a point, but I told you; I don't want to have to be the one to do it,” I explained. “It’s kind of a spite thing. So I’m willing to stick it out. I’ve been mentally picking out what’s mine so that everything’s easier.”

“That sounds fucking exhausting and elaborate,” Tegan muttered. “It sounds like you’re just choosing to stay miserable.”

“I’m not miserable.” I protested quickly.

“Then what are you?” Tegan asked, crossing her arms over her chest, but I didn’t have an answer for her. “Sara… I’m not trying to nag…”

“I know… I know… You just care about me, that’s all.” I muttered. “But I can take care of myself.”

“I don’t doubt that, but I want you to be happy. Life’s too short for you to live this way.” Tegan explained.

“Life feels way too long right now… I kind of want to cut out the boring parts and just move onto the next big thing.” I complained.

“All we’re doing is going in circles today.” Tegan rolled her eyes. “I want you to do something about this bullshit, and you refuse to, but you want things to change…”

“It’s my life,” I replied.                                              

“I know that, and I respect that. But you’re literally just making yourself miserable.” Tegan pointed out. I decided to ignore that. I wasn’t in the mood to fight with my sister at this time. It was bad enough that I had the whole bullshit with Stacy, so I didn’t need to argue with Tegan on top of that… The only human being in my life whom I actually loved and wanted around…

“Want to see a movie?” I offered. “We can go and get some food after that too… My treat.” Tegan frowned, seeing what I was doing. But she trusted me, so she caved and agreed. This plan served a few purposes: quality time with Tegan, time away from Stacy in a place she wouldn’t go, killing the day, and giving us something else to talk about besides my problems.

Luckily, the movie did what I wanted. During one scene with a bit of tension, Tegan had grabbed my hand, which confused me.

“So was that movie too intense for you?” I asked casually over our meal. Tegan looked up with sheepish eyes.

“Um… kind of.” Tegan bit her lip. “Sorry, Sara.” I smiled at her shyness.

“No, it’s fine… I was just surprised.” I elaborated. “But that’s cute, you dork… Reaching for me when you don’t have Mum.” Tegan blushed, placing a hand over her mouth and nose, stifling a laugh.

“Fuck off.” She muttered. I could see her grinning.

“So what else did you want to do today?” I inquired. “We can do anything… within reason.”

“I don’t know.” Tegan shrugged, placing her hand back down on the table as she stared at her half-eaten meal. “Um… I guess I need to do some grocery shopping and some cleaning and the laundry… I know you like to do that sort of stuff, so…”

“I’d love to help you out,” I assured her. “I just want to spend today with you.”

“Would you want…?” Tegan began to stammer out, but she stopped pretty quickly into her offer. “Never mind… Forget it.” I arched an eyebrow.

“What?” I prodded. “Tell me. I’m willing to consider doing a lot of stuff with you.” Tegan shook her head.

“Never mind. It was a stupid idea.” She explained. She took a bite of her food to keep me from asking her any more questions, so I let it go. I did care; I just didn’t want to upset her. So I changed the subject to Mum, about whom Tegan was completely willing to discuss once we got started talking, and the conversation moved along naturally. Everything was so easy with Tegan… and it always had been once our relationship improved. Even when it wasn’t perfect, the good moments were always better than anything with anyone else… The only person who could even come close to Tegan was Emy.

But even when Emy and I had been madly in love, Tegan always came first. Our arguments always had to be resolved before I would let myself enjoy my time with Emy. I felt bound to Tegan, but I’d learned to stop resisting it. No matter how far I tried to go, I would always feel tied to her; nothing about that would change. Nowadays, it felt like a privilege to feel that way. Most siblings would never understand, and I wasn’t even sure if Tegan did, but these were my feelings. Nobody else needed to know what they were.

I noticed Tegan staring at an ice cream place so I placed my hand on her back lightly and guided her inside with a wink. She grinned.

“But it’s the middle of winter.” She pointed out.

“I’d tell that to you, but you already know that,” I replied. “Also, it’s not the middle of winter. It’s February.”

“So I’m going to be eating ice cream in winter all alone?” Tegan teasingly quirked an eyebrow.

“No,” I admitted.

“You’re joining me in this childish stupidity?” Tegan placed a hand over her chest, feigning an exaggerated shocked look.

“I don’t think you’re stupid or childish. Now tell the person what you want.” I nudged her to place her order. Tegan licked her lips as she looked at all of the flavors and I exhaled silently, suddenly feeling empty for apparently no reason whatsoever. I wanted to hug my sister from behind and let the rest of the world melt away. Instead, I chose which ice cream flavor I wanted.

Tegan insisted that we walk back to her apartment so that we could get some exercise into our lives, and I after thinking about it, I agreed because this way, I could kill more time with Tegan. We kept talking, and I kept an eye on her ice cream which honestly looked really good.

“Can I have some of yours? I’ll let you have some of mine.” I asked, interrupting myself after a little while.

“Really?  You want your mouth to touch something my mouth touched?” Tegan raised her eyebrows. “Like… There’s probably a shit ton of saliva on this thing.”

“I’m fine with that, as long as you’re ok with me eating part of your ice cream,” I replied, shrugging.

“I am, but… are you sure you’re fine with me eating part of yours?” Tegan clarified.

“Of course,” I assured her. “I’m not worried about your germs.” I saw the smile that she tried to hold back on, and she let me have a lick of her ice cream, and I offered mine out to her, and she tasted mine. Tegan seemed to avoid eye contact with me for a little while, her head bent forward a bit. I arched an eyebrow at that but didn’t say anything.

In her apartment, we put on some music at a reasonable volume and got to work cleaning up the place. At one point (I’m not quite sure when), we got distracted from what we were supposed to be doing and started dancing. Tegan did her impression of an Olympic figure skater on the hardwood floor in her socks, almost twisting her ankle in the process so that I had to catch her before she actually did get injured. Catching Tegan knocked me onto my ass, which brought Tegan down with me, but cushioning her fall.

“Whoops… Sorry, Sasa.” Tegan said with a giggle before picking herself up and then assisting me in standing up. I slipped a little bit in my own socks, so Tegan steadied me.

“Thanks,” I replied softly. Tegan smiled shyly.

“No problem.” After those two innocent words, I began to feel intensely empty. Just a moment earlier, I had felt so content in the moment that I hadn’t been thinking about anything else. It was time to admit that I was lonely.

“Tegan, I…” I began. She met my gaze attentively, listening to what I was saying. “Tegan, I just realized something… It’s hard to say, but I need to just say it.”

“I think I know what you’re feeling,” Tegan replied, looking nervous beyond belief. Why was she looking nervous? I was the one who had to swallow my pride and admit that I was lonely. But that thought quickly melted away as I felt relief at her words. I didn’t want to have to come right out and say it, so this was welcome. “And I need you to know that I feel the same way.”

“You understand.” I let out a sigh of relief. “I mean… I didn’t think you were really as lonely as I feel, but I guess I wasn’t really paying attention.” Tegan froze the second I said the word ‘lonely’, her lip beginning to quiver. I furrowed my eyebrows. “Tegan? Are you ok?” Immediately, I knew that she hadn’t been talking about being lonely after all.

“Y-Yeah… I’m fine.” She murmured. “I just… I have to go…” She went to the bathroom, trying to keep her voice steady.

“Aw… Tegan.” I sighed under my breath. I sat down on the couch, propping my head up with my hands, my elbows on my thighs. I stared at the ground, feeling as though I had failed Tegan somehow. It wasn’t really my fault that Tegan had misinterpreted what I was going to talk about… But I knew that my heart would break if I had made Tegan cry.

After several minutes, she shuffled out of the bathroom, and I could see evidence of her tears, and my heart dropped out of the window where it shattered on the street below. I swallowed as I felt tears rising to my eyes.

“Did you want anything to eat or drink?” Tegan’s voice sounded like she was doing everything in her power to keep it from quaking.

“Um… No… but if you want to eat something, go ahead.” I answered. “I… I think I need to go do something… You’re still going to come hang out with me tonight, right?”

“Yeah, of course.” Tegan turned her back to me. “Text me the details, and I’ll meet you there.”

“I will,” I promised. I gathered my belongings as quickly as possible. I guessed that Tegan needed her privacy, so I wasn’t going to linger. “Love you!” I called out before leaving. Once the door clicked shut, I trudged down the hall and into the elevator. I felt a gaping space of emptiness where my heart should have been. I leaned against the wall, closing my eyes. I couldn’t believe that I had fucked up with Tegan… The one person I felt like I had been able to do right by, after years of struggling, I had yet again fucked up with. If I couldn’t have a healthy and successful relationship with Tegan, then I couldn’t have one with anyone. Though, that would explain so much in terms of all of my relationships.

I let out a heavy sigh, straightening my posture as I exited the elevator, hiring an Uber. If Tegan had been there, I would have been willing walk the fifteen minutes back to my apartment, but I didn’t feel like being alone, on top of not having the energy.

Stacy was home when I got back. We didn’t acknowledge one another as I went to our bedroom to lay down on the bed and wonder what the fuck was wrong with me and my ability to love. Once upon a time, I had loved Stacy; believing that I had found the person for me. But apparently, my love had an expiration date (the same thing had happened with Emy, but we’d both decided to cut our relationship off and stay friends), and was poisoning Tegan.

“We have to leave in an hour.” Stacy reminded me, coming into the bedroom.

“I’m going to take a shower,” I informed her, still lacking mental energy.

“You do that.”

If I’d had the energy to make a smart-ass remark, I would have, but instead, I just went into the shower and stood there for a long time under the hot water before finally starting to wash. I didn’t want to leave the shower, but I had to. I couldn’t let Tegan be stuck alone with Stacy’s friends when I was the one who had asked her to come with us. I might also be able to patch things up with Tegan… Perhaps some time apart helped…

Despite everything I told myself, I dragged my reluctant self along to meet Stacy’s friends, putting on the act. When Tegan arrived I let out a breath of relief and left the group to greet her.

“Hey,” I said. “You’re here.”

“I guess so.” Tegan gave a lopsided smile and shrugged. “Couldn’t let my twin be alone in this group.” I grinned.

“I’m glad you could make it.” I honestly told her. She sat down next to me and I bought her a drink. We didn’t talk but just listened to the other women talking.

I joined the conversation after some boredom. I exchanged smiles with Stacy when it was appropriate. Tegan frowned whenever she saw us doing that. After a little over an hour, Tegan muttered something about being tired. Sensing that she was making an excuse to get out of there, I volunteered to walk her out.

“Are you ok?” I asked, placing a hand lightly on her back.

“Yeah.” Tegan murmured.

“Tegan…” I pleaded.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She sighed.

“Maybe you need to,” I suggested. “C’mere.” I guided her to a quiet alleyway behind a dumpster. Tegan avoided eye contact even in the dark. “What upset you? What did you think I was going to say today?”

“I can’t tell you.” She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes on my shoes.

“You can tell me anything.” I protested. “Tegan… I won’t judge you. I’m here for you.” She shook her head. “Please, Tegan? Maybe you need someone to talk about it with.”

“I can’t tell you!” Tegan turned away. She was starting to cry.

“Tegan, no, please… Please don’t cry.” I pulled her into a hug. I kissed her temple. “Just tell me what’s bothering you. It’s got to be bad… I don’t want you to have to deal with it alone.”

“You’re not going to want to ever see me again,” Tegan whispered.

“No, I will. I love you more than anyone. Please don’t think that I could ever be that upset with you.” I assured her softly. Tegan pulled away enough so that we were face to face, her lips trembling, and a stream of tears leaking from each eye.

“I’m jealous.” She explained after a moment of silence. I didn’t interrupt her, sensing that she needed to say everything. “You’re with Stacy, but you don’t love her… and the fact that she doesn’t love you either… It’s the worst thing ever because I… I have feelings for you.” She mumbled the last part. I was completely off guard. Tegan had feelings for me? Her own twin sister? What the fuck?

“We should get you home.” I murmured, my voice sounding far away. “This alley is giving me the creeps.” Tegan’s face fell even more, if possible. Once she was safely in a cab with some money for the fare to her apartment, I went back to find Stacy. “Let’s go home,” I whispered.

“No, not yet.” She replied. “I’m having fun, Sara. Grab a drink. Relax. Just a little while longer.” I ordered some beer to follow the wine I’d already consumed. I was probably consuming alcohol at an alarming rate if someone had been paying attention, but I needed to process what Tegan had told me, and I needed alcohol to do completely accomplish that.

Over the years, I had built up a tolerance for alcohol that I resented in that moment. I wasn’t even close to drunk yet when Stacy finally agreed to go home. When we got back to the bedroom, I whispered a plea to her, which she listened to. I just needed to get lost in the moment and only feel pleasure. So out came the harness and the dildo. I didn’t care that Stacy didn’t ask me if I’d gotten off (I had), but I would have given a shit literally any other time. Stacy fell asleep not too much later, but I was stuck staring at the ceiling in confusion at the whole Tegan situation. I got out of bed and tried not to trip over the harness, which I’d haphazardly thrown on the floor. I’d clean it up in the morning after I nursed my hangover.

I found a bottle of some okay wine and kept drinking it, without having bothered to put on clothes. Once I felt like I was nice and drunk, I stumbled back to bed and did everything I could to fall asleep and forget the events of the day.


	2. Day 2

When I found myself waking up, I expected to have a hangover, but by some miracle, I did not. I rubbed my bleary eyes before opening them. Stacy was lying in bed next to me, also nude. Like always, we were as far apart as possible in the bed, and I had apparently won the tug of war over the majority of the covers. I picked up my phone to check the time to find that it was a little past nine AM.

“Jesus fucking christ, Sara!” Stacy exclaimed. “Would it fucking kill you to share the covers?”

“You said that yesterday morning,” I replied sleepily.

“No, I didn't, but I'm glad that it’s finally getting across.” She grumbled, getting out of bed.

“What? I know you said that.” I sat up, furrowing my eyebrows; suddenly I was more awake. “Because I quoted Herman Melville by saying 'I would prefer not to'… And you told me to shove my Moby Dick up my ass.”

“You must be confusing a dream with reality,” Stacy informed me dismissively.

“I’m not.” I insisted, knowing that I was right. Or was I?

I rolled over to stare at the wall as I contemplated this thought. I went through the past day in my mind, hoping that I wasn’t having issues with my brain. I was only thirty-six, so I hadn’t been expecting anything like that this soon. But maybe Stacy just forgot what had happened the previous night. I picked up my phone but frowned when I noticed the date. My phone informed me that it was Sunday, but shouldn’t it have been Monday? I’d just lived through Sunday. Perhaps my phone was incorrect. I got up, grabbing my bathrobe as I went to my desk and my laptop. It also said that it was Sunday. I furrowed my eyebrows, frowning in confusion. What the fuck?

“Stacy?” I walked out into the kitchen, where she was fully dressed. “What day is it?”

“Sunday,” She answered, not even looking up from her phone and her breakfast; not that I blamed her. I wouldn’t have either.

“Wasn’t it Sunday yesterday, though?” I stepped further into the kitchen. “We got invited out for drinks with your friends, and I brought Tegan along…”

“Um… no. We didn’t do that last night.” She looked thoroughly irritated with me. “Can you go put on some clothes or something and get your brain sorted out?” I scowled, opening my text messages to prove everything to her.

But our texts from yesterday were gone.

“What?” I lowered my phone to my side, staring straight forward as I tried to sort everything out in my mind. Had I completely made up the previous day? I had to have…

I trudged back into the bedroom to take a shower to try to unfuck my brain. I probably spent an irresponsible amount of time in there, but after the not-even-half hour I’d been awake, I needed it. Besides, I was a grown ass adult who could pay my own water bill when the time came.

Once I had showered and put on some sweatpants and a comfy T-shirt, I went into the kitchen for some breakfast. Stacy had not fed the cats, so I did… yet again.

Because I wasn’t quite sure what I could stomach, I made some toast along with coffee, but that was it. With a shaky hand, I checked twitter to see if the same exact posts were in my feed. Lo and behold, they were the same, with the same things trending.

“You look sick,” Stacy commented. “Don’t give me whatever you have; I can’t get sick.”

“Thanks for caring,” I muttered sarcastically. I cleaned up after myself, deciding to sit on the couch for a little while to calm myself down. I petted Holiday and noticed that this simple activity was relaxing me. I still felt a bit jumpy and quakey, but I would be alright. I retreated to my desk and decided to re-watch Alice in Wonderland on Netflix first. Of course, watching a movie I’d seen as a child obviously reminded me of Tegan and watching it with her. And then I remembered Tegan’s confession.

I still wasn’t sure if I had really made up the day before or that day. Was Tegan really in love with me, or was that just a dream of mine? I was just confused, so I wasn’t sure how to talk to Tegan now. But I was too old to want to be with my mother when I was unsure, so I’d go to my sister. I loved her more, anyway.

> Hey

Pretty promptly, I received a reply.

> Heyyy good morning
> 
> How are you?
> 
> Same old same old, hbu?
> 
> You pretty much summed it up :P

I managed to get Tegan to start telling me some story about something that had happened to her and some friends that had gone to some place one time, and I was perfectly content to encourage that with the use of emojis. I felt emotionally exhausted, so words weren’t going to be my go-to that day, as it was turning out. But I wanted Tegan’s presence around me, as she was soothing for me, to put it simply but strangely. Everything felt strange and kind of wrong, but Tegan made it feel less so, even though we had not yet spoken voice to voice that day. My desire to talk to my sister won over my worries over her possibly being in love with me. Tegan was still my favorite person, and I was still hers, so I wasn’t going to just suffer on my own; I’d suffer in silence next to Tegan.

> Do you want to come over to my place today?

I tried not to make this suggestion seem to out of the blue, but apparently, Tegan didn’t seem to mind a whole lot.

> Sure when?
> 
> In a little bit I guess but basically whenever so just shoot me a text when you’re on your way
> 
>  Okie dokie <3

I finished the movie and decided to start cleaning up the apartment. Tegan texted me to ask if it was ok if she came over right then, and I assured her that it was fine.

The second time around going throughout the day (or so I thought), I still wasn’t sure what I wanted or how to do anything. I went back into the bathroom to clean myself up because if I did what was necessary to look like I was alright and sure, then I might be able to feign that. Fake it till you make it, after all.

I probably failed at faking it the second I pulled Tegan into a tight embrace once she arrived, but I needed it. I needed her, even though that day (except apparently the first time through) she had told me that she was in love with me. But I decided that it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was the fact that Tegan was there.

“You ok?” She asked when I finally pulled away.

“I’m fine, Tee.” I lied.

“If you say so,” Tegan replied. I figured that she sensed that I wasn’t going to give up easily, so she let me have that for the time being. “So what’s up?” To that, I only sighed.

“I think it’s time I told you something.” I decided, leading her into the guest bedroom and shutting the door, as though the cats hearing would be the worst thing in the world. I explained how Stacy and I weren’t really in love anymore and there just wasn’t anything. Tegan didn’t seem to know how to respond to this information, which clearly threw her in for a loop. First thing, though, she promised not to tell anyone.

“I don’t get it, though…” Tegan began, still deep in thought. “Why would you be doing something you don’t want to be doing? Isn’t that like… your thing? Nobody makes you do anything?”

“It’s a spite thing,” I replied.

“Oh… That makes sense.” She remarked. “Ok. I understand now.”

“Besides, I don’t even know if I really believe in love.” I continued. To that, Tegan frowned.

“Come, on Sara… Love exists!” She protested. “What do you think Ellen and Portia have?!”

“Limerence,” I said snarkily. Tegan gave me a look.

“You could be aromantic?” She offered. “I mean… Just because you don’t want or believe in romance doesn’t mean that it can’t exist in the world.” Tegan looked as though I had just insulted her deeply to her core.

“I just flat out don’t believe that real love exists.” I reiterated.

“But you love me, don’t you? As a sister?” The last part was kind of rushed, but I didn’t raise an eyebrow. This wasn’t the time to open  _that_  can of worms.

“I care about you, but like I said… what even is love?” I shrugged. “It’s fake. Successful relationships sure as hell don’t result from love.”

“That’s why communication and respect are important.” Tegan pointed out. “You’re being so cynical right now.” She scowled, looking rather like a child.

“Tegan, why does it even concern you whether or not I want to be in a relationship or find love, or not?” I asked, exasperated.

“I want you to be happy.” Tegan sighed. “Sara, please… Do something that will make you happy. I know that if you break up with Stacy, it’ll help.”

“Tegan, just stop.” I sighed. “You're not helping.” She set her jaw, looking as though I had just hit her. “Oh, Tegan.” I sighed, placing my palm on my forehead and leaning into it. I was beginning to hate myself. This was worse than living unhappily, the way I was. I thought this was rock-bottom on the ‘should be happy with my life’ spectrum, but I had just hurt the one person I genuinely wanted in my life, and I was realizing exactly how much of a piece of shit I was as she withdrew from me. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean… Tegan, please…” I reached out and coaxed her into a hug. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to stop.” I was beginning to freak out internally; clinging to Tegan like a lifeline. Thank god she didn’t pull away from my embrace because I probably would have lost it and begun weeping right there and then. But her presence calmed me until we were just quietly sitting on the couch together.

“You can stay with me.” She offered softly. “You don’t have to stay somewhere that you don’t want to be.”

“Everything’s complicated… And I’m just a spiteful asshole.” I grumbled.

“Yeah, but you’re my spiteful asshole,” Tegan replied smiling. She didn’t seem to really be thinking about what she was saying. “And that’s why I love you.” Her smile disappeared as she realized what she had just said, her eye widening and her body stiffening. “I mean… I—You’re my sister. Of course, I love you, right?” She was biting her lip, and I felt a pang to my heart and decided to grant her some mercy.

“Yeah… I’m glad that we have each other, at least. Not a whole lot of people are lucky enough to have a twin that understands.” I remarked. I could practically see the wave of relief washing over Tegan. The poor thing… I promised myself that I wouldn’t tell her that I knew. I mean, I didn’t like the fact that she was in love with me, and it made me feel kind of weird, but there was no reason I had to be such an asshole in this situation. Also in general, but I’d do better to start with not being a horrible person to my fucking sister; someone I actually cared about. How could she possibly love me at all?

My conscience was gnawing at me for wasting Tegan’s time. I should probably just pour myself a glass of wine and sip it as I read some book and didn’t disturb anyone.

I searched my mind for an excuse to get Tegan to leave for her own benefit, but I could find none that wouldn’t hurt her feelings. And then I got a text from Stacy informing me that we had been invited out to drinks someplace as a couple. Last time, I had looked upon this as a chore that was just to make this awful day drag on even longer. I still felt that way, but now it was a lifeboat to send Tegan away from the sinking ship that was me. She deserved better.

“I think Stacy’s heading home,” I warned. “I just got a text from her.” Tegan frowned.

“I should probably go then.” She decided. I smiled sadly.

“I’m gonna miss you.” I reminded her. “I really do love you.” I pulled her into a hug.

“You can see me tomorrow.” Tegan offered.

“I know,” I whispered. What if I had to repeat this day again? Or worse yet, what if I could move on? In either case, I wasn’t sure if I had the strength to keep away from Tegan. She was the sun, and I was the Arctic Ocean reaching for her. I had to resist burning her out.

I pulled away from the hug, forcing a smile on my face. “See you later, Teetee.” She smiled a shy little gummy smile as she collected her things and saw herself out. The second the door shut, I let my face go slack and I felt the emptiness of having no company in my presence. I collapsed onto the couch, the stillness of the apartment haunting me. Mickey jumped up next to me, and I mindlessly stroked his soft fur, but this didn’t mask the fact that I wanted Tegan to come back and fill the void and illuminate the darkness.

The nearest book served as my distraction. I was barely registering the words, but a superficial distraction was what I needed. However, time wasn’t passing quickly enough for me, so I poured myself a mug of wine and sipped it. Again, my level of alcohol tolerance getting in the way. However, the plus side of the mug was that when Stacy did come home, she didn’t even think that it might be anything but coffee. But when she did get back, I put on my headphones and listened to music as I skimmed the pages. The story wasn’t very engrossing, as it was something I had picked for lighter reading, and I obviously wasn’t going to open a heavy book that required a whole lot of in-depth thought when I was so distracted. Later, I decided to binge-watch Netflix on my phone, headphones on. Stacy probably said things to me, but I didn’t dignify any of it with a response. Besides, if it was important, she’d tap me on the shoulder.

Time was moving so slowly. There was nothing that I could do to be productive that I would be successful in doing, thanks to my thoughts.

Why did I have to repeat the day that lasted an eternity?                                            

I sort of knew the answer to that, though. After all, I had seen “Groundhog Day” a couple of times. Phil was repeating the day because he wasn’t getting it right and didn’t have the correct priorities or attitude. And in the book, Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver, there was a similar situation. So perhaps the task at hand was to reorganize my priorities. But I had removed Tegan from me, so maybe dragging her down with me was what I was doing wrong. I sighed and told myself that I had figured it out and would wake up on Monday morning, all of this over and done with.

That evening, I was only half there because I missed Tegan. These were more Stacy’s friends than mine. Did I actually have friends, though? Or was I just using Tegan and her talent for connecting with people to hop onto her friends so that I didn’t have to make my own? After all, I didn’t really have friends of my own. Everyone else was held at arm’s length. Everyone except for Tegan. But maybe this was my beginning. Maybe I needed to forge my own path. Perhaps I was meant to have a new beginning.

Being a good girlfriend, I let Stacy have her fun. She talked with her friends, and I didn’t talk or drink too much. I stayed until she decided that she was tired and wanted to go home. We didn’t speak on the Uber back. We made no form of communication until we reached the bedroom after taking care of everything in the apartment to the point where we could go to bed. As I took off my shoes, Stacy came up behind me and began nibbling at my neck. I moved away from her, knowing what she was silently asking.

“Not tonight… I’m tired.” I replied softly. The apartment’s stillness was making me want to cry as it and the emptiness inside me screamed. I wasn’t going to use Stacy’s body to distract me. I’d live with it and fix everything myself. I’d put my life in order. So, we fell asleep in our pajamas, not touching after I’d said no to having sex.


	3. Day 3

“God dammit,” I grumbled when I awoke naked. Stacy wasn’t in the business of initiating anything when I was tired and/or not in the mood, especially since she was a pillow queen. If I wasn’t feeling it, then there was no point. So, seeing that it was still Sunday as I checked my phone was no surprise. I let out a sigh and crawled out of bed to take a shower. I stared at my naked body in the mirror, paying special attention to my face. Maybe pushing Tegan away was the wrong thing to do. Maybe it really was Tegan whom I needed to fix my connection with.

I was honestly kind of lost. Each time, I went in blind with only the knowledge that the combinations of choices that I had made the last time were wrong. It wasn’t like getting a test back and seeing the teacher’s comments and where you lost points. This was pass or fail, and I was failing big time.

The amount I missed Tegan drove me to decide that I wanted to spend the day with her. Perhaps I should listen to my heart and all that sappy shit. Maybe that was my hint.

After breakfast, once I was dressed, I called her.

“Hey Sasa,” She said, sounding a bit too peppy for the morning, especially when I knew that she had just recently woken up.

“Hey, Tegan. Do you want to have an us day?” I asked, cutting straight to the chase. There was time for being soft later.

“Of course!” Tegan replied, sounding pretty excited. “What do you want to do? I mean, I don’t really care all that much, as long as I’m spending time with you, of course.” I smiled. This had to be how I’d redeem myself to the universe. This would be how I’d free myself. Third time’s a charm, right?

This felt right. Tegan felt right.

I looked upon this day with a sense of hope and determination. I would no longer drag Tegan down with me; I’d keep her afloat no matter what… Even if I did drown in this ocean, I’d shelter her from any storm.

I went over to her apartment, walking quickly, my stride powerful. I got there in record time, though Tegan was already fully dressed when she opened the door. Immediately, she pulled me into an eager hug, which I quickly reciprocated.

“I was thinking… Maybe a museum day?” I offered when she pulled away. Plenty of places were open on Sundays, and we could go out to eat wherever, and just have a fun day together discussing art and artifacts.

"Absolutely." Tegan replied. 

We started off at the Museum of Anthropology. I couldn’t stop smiling as I watched the excitement in her eyes. We were both loving it. When she took my hand, I didn’t pull away. I held her hand back. It felt nice… it felt pure. I felt like I was home. Tegan had to be the road home… She had to be the key to the door forward. After all, who else could it be? I had shared a womb with this person, so I was going to share this day with her. A day that would probably haunt me forever after repeating it. The third time around was quite enough.

Over lunch, Tegan and I made each other laugh so hard that we choked and nearly sprayed each other with the contents of our mouths. Afterward, we went back to looking at art, so I watched her face as she examined the colors and styles of sculptures and paintings. She seemed to get lost in it, not even noticing when I moved her hair out of her face or plucked random crap off of her clothing. I knew that she was the one person I couldn’t live without. Why did I think I could starve myself of her, or keep myself away from her? But deep down I knew the answer: old habits die hard.

“Do you ever miss being teenagers?” I asked when we were sitting on a bench outside together. We just wanted to sit outside for a little while. It wasn’t sunny out, but the fresh, albeit cool, air was kind of nice. Besides, we could just watch life going by and have our own paused moment without having to move with the current.

“Nope,” Tegan scoffed. “Not having my sexuality figured out? Not being able to be civil to you? No thank you.” I frowned. She did have a point, but that’s not what I meant about being a teen.

“I was referring to the possibilities,” I informed her dryly. “When you’re still a kid, there’s so much you can still do. Now, I’m thirty-six. I can’t change the path I’ve taken.”

“So you’d go back to being only part of the way through puberty just to have the option of changing your career?” Tegan raised her eyebrows. “Sara, you do realize that it’s never too late to change your life. Age is just a number; especially in that respect. You can do whatever you want and be someone new at any age. You don’t have to be fifteen again in order to do that.”

“But when you’re a teenager, it’s a lot easier,” I muttered. “And that way you don’t have to experience as much horrible stuff. Plus, kids are still full of all kinds of hope.”

“Sara, I know you like the back of my hand. I mean, that’s a bit of a weird expression since just last month I found a freckle that I hadn’t previously noticed on the back of my hand, but anyway; Sara, I know you.” She continued, though her little ramble made me have to stifle a bit of a giggle. “And from knowing you for all these years… three and a half fucking decades… I know that you aren’t this defeatist. If there’s something you want, god help whoever gets in your way. You’re stubborn as hell. If you really want to do something else with your life, you will. Age isn’t holding you back. That’s not going to make things better, whatever you’re going through. You can do anything you want; be anyone you want.” I smiled at Tegan, and despite being in public and us already holding hands, which; had it been even one year previously, I would have considered even that to be too much, but in this moment, I rested my head on her shoulder and breathed.

“I love you, Tegan,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure if she heard it, but she leaned her own head against mine. It was so intimate for such a public area, but I felt invisible in a nice and safe way.

When we were in the aquarium, which was where we went next, I felt at peace in a way that seemed kind of weird. It was so peaceful and the feeling of seeming to be underwater was calming. Years previously, I might have found it kind of distressing to be in such a setting, but now, it felt serene and with Tegan there, I could have even made it my home.

I watched my sister observe all of the fish. The light and optimism in her eyes were brighter than my future. She pointed out all of her favorites to me and listened intently as I talked about books I’d read with marine life featured, though what I was saying wasn’t that important or great. I wished that I didn’t have to ruin the moment talking about random shit when we could have just been enjoying the moment and location. My phone had even been on silent because I'd wanted to focus on Tegan.

At dinner, we continued our day-long splurge on a nice restaurant. Tegan smiled at me shyly, as though she was afraid that this whole day would turn out to be a dream. I decided that I feared her losing this day, as it clearly meant a lot to her. So this had to be the real deal. This had to be the attempt that let me move on. After all, third time’s the charm, right?

“We should do this more often,” Tegan mentioned softly, looking at me from under her eyelashes. “Today was really nice… I had a wonderful time.” I covered her hand with my own.

“So did I.” I smiled, and she showed off her gummy grin. She made my heart melt. Somehow, she was the older twin but came off as younger. I knew that if it came down to it, I’d put her needs before mine. “I’ve been a bit lost lately… I think you’ve noticed.” Tegan grimaced, nodding once to confirm my suspicion. “But you make me feel a lot better.” I continued. Her lips formed a smile of relief.

“What makes you feel lost, though?” She asked. I paused. I couldn't tell her the full truth, so I'd give her a fraction.

“Stacy and I don’t love each other anymore. Or… I don’t know if we ever did.” I confessed. Tegan’s face went slack. “I should break up with her, but I just want to get myself sorted out and understand what I want. But I think after today, I’ve put that into motion.” I explained.

“I’m glad I could help with that if I did at all.” Tegan murmured, biting her lip.

“No; you definitely helped,” I assured her. “I’ve reached a clarity of sorts, thanks to spending a today with you.” She smiled, eyes filled with the optimism and hope that made me hopeful as well.

“It feels nice to figure stuff out, doesn’t it?” Tegan remarked. I nodded in agreement.

“I kind of had my life on pause, but I think I can resume it now. Thanks for being willing to spend time with me today… I didn’t properly thank you earlier, but I want to make sure that I do, because you are so important to me, and I love you more than anyone.” I informed her, our eyes locked.

Tegan didn’t say anything after that, but she didn’t have to. The look on her face spoke a language better than any words could, and all I wanted was to go camping with her and stare at the stars; laughing and making smores in the mountains and being away from everyone and everything else. Maybe we’d do that once I got everything together and once it warmed up. I’d put up with the mosquitos and dirt for Tegan, as long as she enjoyed it.

We took an Uber back to my apartment (the amount of money spent that day was a bit outrageous, but it was worth it if I could figure shit out finally, and it was worth it in and of itself as long as I was with Tegan), and I was pushing for Tegan to just go directly home to her place, but the Uber driver agreed to wait as she walked me up to my apartment because there was something she wanted to tell me. It took a little while before it occurred to me what the fuck she might be talking about. My heart rate picked up as I remembered that Tegan was in love with me. When she first told me, I hadn’t been very accepting; in fact, I had been cold and detached. This time, I needed to rectify that. Tegan deserved better, and so I would give that to her. Only the best for my twin sister.

I calmed myself down as I mentally prepared myself. I invited Tegan in, and there in the dark entry way, she stood looking more uncomfortable than she had all day. I could practically feel her trying to come up with the words for this. So, I decided that I should save her. After all, I would do everything in my power to save her from any and all pain.

“Tegan, I know you have feelings for me,” I said softly and calmly. She was speechless; opening and closing her mouth multiple times before finally getting out two simple words in the form of a question.

“You do?” I nodded. “How?”

“Like you said; you know me. Well, it also goes the other way. I know you.” I shrugged. “I’m not grossed out, Tegan.” I could see the sigh of relief escape her.

“Sara…” She murmured.

“Yes?” I should have seen it from a mile away. I honestly could have stopped everything in its tracks if I had wanted, but for some foreign reason, I didn’t.

So I let Tegan kiss me.

She didn’t seem to know how to vocalize her question if I reciprocated, so she used her actions instead. And my heart broke for her.

“Oh, Tegan.” I sighed.

And with that, I broke hers.

“Oh.” I could hear the sadness in that small, short noise. I didn’t have to see all of her features to know that the girl in front of me—yes, in that moment she was merely a girl… even though my sister and I were both women, and she was a strong one at that—was fighting back a storm of sobs and a wave of tears. I realized what this day must have meant to her, and the shattered bits of my heart burned to dust as I realized what she must have thought.

“You’re so beautiful and wonderful…” I murmured, getting the urge to take her into my arms and hold and comfort her, but that would have been counterproductive. “And I never wanted to hurt you, but…” I trailed off. I wanted to tell her that I never wanted  _anyone_ to hurt her, but here I was… The one who had vowed to herself that she’d protect Tegan ended up causing her the most pain.

“I know.” Her voice was flat in a way that made it obvious to me that she was doing her everything in her power to not break down in front of me. “Anyone would be lucky to have me… But you’re not interested.”

I sighed, hanging my head. She knew me too well.

'“I’d better go.” She whispered. When she opened the front door of the apartment, light spilled inside and almost blinded me. Then it and Tegan were gone, and I was left alone with the silence and stillness.

That night, I simply lay there in my bed, staring at the ceiling, tears slipping out of the corners of my eyes and onto my scalp.


	4. Day 4

With the way that my day had ended, I hadn’t been expecting to wake up on Monday. As I awoke, I was aware that I wasn’t wearing my pajamas and that Stacy was in bed next to me, yet again. I turned my head to gaze at the woman I had been with longer than any other person. What had happened?

Stacy hadn’t actually been interested in me as a person when we got together. After all, she’d had a boyfriend. She wasn’t very impressed by me… But I think I liked that. She wasn’t interested in getting all up in my personal space. We didn’t have to talk all that much… It was refreshing. At first, part of her allure was the fact that I decided that I’d be satisfied when she and I were a public couple. And then she was really busy with work, and we made the most of our limited time together, which mainly involved sex and talking about the future. But now that we had spent so much time together and gotten so used to each other, things were growing worn and dull.

But Stacy had been good for me. From the beginning, she hadn’t been interested in marriage, and neither was I. She wasn’t overly emotional, and neither was I. She didn’t expect kisses and cuddles and liked her own space in the bed. She was a real adult too, with a desk job and a work phone. She traveled to go to meetings. She dressed up for work. People called her a stone cold bitch behind her back. She was boring and undesirable by most standards, but that’s what I liked about her.

Something about that had been alluring. Her physical features were attractive, but what really made me want her was the aforementioned fact that she was a working woman. It just wasn’t what I was used to. She didn’t care that I couldn’t figure out what would make a good bridge or hook; she wanted me to use some damn headphones while she was trying to work; after all, I was the one who wanted her there while she needed to work. We compromised over who got the kitchen table and who got the desk in order to get things done, and I felt like a working woman.

“Good morning, Stacy,” I said, my voice husky.

“Mmm,” She hummed back. She didn’t seem particularly irritated or elated that I had finally said this after not saying it since some time that I couldn’t even remember.

“Did you sleep well?” I pressed. I had to give Stacy a chance. What if she was my key out? What if I had been wrong? Besides… The wound concerning Tegan needed time to sit on the back burner and heal.

“I slept fine.” She replied.

“What do you want for breakfast?” I asked.

“I don’t know, maybe a light omelet?” Stacy sat up, looking perplexed at me actually being nice to her and trying to do things for her after a long time of us barely talking and me making it clear that she needed to do everything herself and that I wasn’t her boyfriend.

“I’ll make you some tea too.” I offered, getting out of bed. I began to get dressed, and she still looked like I had been replaced with an entirely new person, which was actually a pretty reasonable reaction, considering the very bad state of our relationship when we went to bed.

She still didn’t look entirely thrilled when she came into the kitchen in her yoga pants. The omelet was to her liking; she made a satisfied sound when she took her first bite. I gave her a mug of the tea she preferred and sat down across from her, taking a deep breath.

“Look, I know things haven’t been the best between us…” I said carefully. Had she been the one to say that to me, I would have probably muttered something like, ‘no shit’, but Stacy was willing to listen, most likely because I was the one making the effort, and she just had to follow the path I was trying to carve out. “but, maybe we could fix that? I mean… we’ve been together for years. We should at least try. Don’t we owe each other at least that?”

“What are you suggesting we immediately do?” She asked, not looking one hundred percent interested, but I was just desperate to try something else, so I ignored that fact. Making Stacy happy and fixing my relationship with her became my priority for the time being.

“Maybe we should have our own day together today,” I suggested. “Just the two of us. We can do things together, and kind of talk and figure stuff out.”

“Alright.” Stacy shrugged. “Good thing I didn’t have any plans.” I ignored the part of me that whispered that she wasn’t talking about being glad she didn’t have to cancel in order to preserve people’s feelings.

“What do you want to do?” I leaned forward, biting my lip. “Name anything, babe, and we’ll do it.”

Stacy decided that she wanted a spa day with some shopping thrown in, and then a nice dinner. I agreed, willing to do anything if it meant that I could repair the giant crack in our relationship. What she wanted wasn’t really my thing, but again; for her, anything. I needed to be able to move on, or else I’d lose my ability to try to deduce the problem, and I’d be stuck in this loop forever. So: for Stacy, anything.

The couple’s massage was actually pretty pleasant. The room smelled nice, and I was actually able to sort of relax. I heard the girls working on us complain about how we were both tense. Stacy and I didn’t address that. There was no point in doing that. We had our own reasons for being tense. I wasn’t the biggest fan of the pedicure or manicure, so I chose clear nail polish and for my nails to stay short. Stacy got a French manicure, as opposed to a regular manicure, apparently.

She wanted to go for sushi for lunch, so we did. I didn’t really like the idea of eating raw fish, but I kept my trap shut, and pretended to enjoy it. I listened to her talking about work and her friends like a good girlfriend and didn’t even check my phone once. Not even in the cab over to all of our destinations. I had a feeling that Tegan had texted me, and I really wanted to see what she said, but I couldn’t risk upsetting Stacy. This day was about her. And me, I supposed, but my goal was to make her happy; not so much myself.

I knew that I did need to talk to her eventually, so I mentally went through all of the things that needed addressing. We’d get a booth and talk over dinner, I decided. I formulated a sort of script in my mind with multiple directions for how things might go. Stacy wouldn’t want to talk about things, and ideally, it’d be best to talk the next morning, but I was pressed for time. I had come to the conclusion that unless actual advancements were made in my life, and not just me getting to a point where I could begin to take steps, I would not move forward. I had lived the day to a point where I was merely standing still; my settings were the only thing different. And then I had lived the day as a better person, which did even less. And then I took part of a step but left myself frozen and unsure what to do next. Now, I’d take real steps.

“Stacy, we need to talk,” I pleaded, looking up from my wine glass. We were getting dinner at a nice Indian place of her choosing.

“What about?” She asked, frowning as she looked up from the menu. “Can’t we just enjoy dinner and have a nice day out together?”

“I want our relationship to succeed,” I replied smoothly but carefully; trying to meet her eyes. “Don’t you? I think it’s best if we try to talk things out respectfully and maturely. We can’t keep putting this off. We have to figure our shit out.”

“Ok, fine. What do you think is the issue?” Stacy rested her chin in her hand, her elbow leaning against the table. She looked as though she was doing me some giant service by humoring me.

“Well, first of all, we’re not very civil towards each other. Aside from today, I mean.” I pointed out, doing my best not to stumble over my words. I resisted the urge to slouch and make my body seem smaller. I maintained my good posture and took a deep breath. “We barely have anything in common, aside from liking reality TV and being invested in our jobs.”

“Overcoming those just take a little bit of work.” Stacy gave a nonchalant shrug, picking up the menu again. “Is that it?”

“No, Stacy; it’s not,” I replied calmly and evenly. I was proud of that fact. “And you may be right, but you don’t seem to want to put in the work. It’s always me. I was the one who had to pursue you, I had to take you on all of the dates, and I was the one who asked you to move in with me. I’m always on top in the bedroom, and the one to apologize when we fight as well.”

“Sorry if I’m used to a heterosexual relationship.” She replied, actually sounding ticked off this time, but still looking at the menu.

“That’s not an excuse,” I informed her coolly. “Besides, we’ve been together for like five years. You should be used to putting at least a little bit of the work in, even if you’re in a stereotypical heterosexual relationship.”

“Do you really want to be doing this in public?” Stacy asked, finally looking up and meeting my eyes and setting down the menu. They were cold. The look she gave me when saying that told me that she thought she was in control of the situation and could make me back down and let us fall into the same old routine. But not this time. 

“I want to do this now.” I asserted. “If we don’t do this now, we never will.”

“Why do we have to, though?” Stacy sat back, crossing her arms over her chest. I opened my mouth to reply but hesitated.

“Do you even love me?” I asked in a deathly calm and quiet voice. Instantly, Stacy frowned and avoided eye contact. “I thought so.” I murmured, even though my heart sank. All I had done was confirmed my suspicions. We hadn’t made any progress; therefore I had not been able to make any steps forward. “There’s no point in trying, then.” I sighed and removed my napkin from my lap. “Enjoy your meal.” Stacy made no move to stop me as I got up and left the restaurant.

I needed to get drunk. This day had been a waste. It wasn’t even seven PM, so I had plenty of time before waking up in bed with Stacy again. Besides, I wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of my actions, i.e. there would be no hangover for me to suffer through. I knew that I couldn’t go back to my apartment, but I’d deal with that later, and just drunk dial someone later. The back of my mind whispered the name of someone who would come to get me no matter what, but I ignored that. I just needed to forget everything.

As I walked to the nearest McDonald’s to get some fast food into me, I contemplated why I even felt this bad about breaking up with Stacy. (Or, at least I thought I had implied enough that I wanted to break up. To save myself some trouble, I’d just consider us broken up.)

Stacy and I were way too different. We just wanted the same things and liked the idea of each other, so it worked out. With her, affection was almost like a dirty word, and we gave each other plenty of space. Stacy was a breath of fresh air from the world around me; so different from Tegan that I would be excited to see her after living at home for a long time.

I felt kind of pathetic for feeling so down about this, but I was allowed to have this time to feel that way.

At McDonald’s, I could barely bring myself to meet the eyes of the poor person working the counter, so I tipped them ten dollars just for the hell of it. I wished that they could have kept the money, but I was going to be stuck repeating the day over again. In my gut, I knew that Stacy was never the answer, and I finally had to acknowledge that after a day’s worth of effort, which meant more repetitions, but I didn’t know how many still stretched ahead of me.

Thinking so much made me feel worse, so I did all that I could to shut off my thoughts and just live in the moment. After I finished eating, I went to the nearest bar and just slowly drank in the corner. I didn’t hit the hard stuff immediately, as a couple of people came up to me and asked if they could buy me a drink, but I turned all of them down. They weren’t the person whose company I wanted, but I was trying to forget everything, so I tried to shut her out of my mind with more alcohol. I hadn’t replied back to her all day… What was I supposed to say? I couldn’t ever let her think that I was using her as a last resort. I couldn’t do that to Tegan. She was my first choice always. But in my desperation, I hadn’t let myself choose her this time.

Once I was good and drunk, I was able to let go of my thoughts of her and Stacy for a while. My phone was silent, and it felt nice to have the sensation of melting into nothing and feeling like I didn’t exist for a while. Being a person felt like too much for the time being. In the morning, I’d be me again, but now I was just another body inside a bar in Vancouver.

When my vision blurred, I knew that I had to swallow my pride and stumble into the bathroom so I could call the only person I knew I could trust at this time.

“Hey, Sara!” Tegan said, sounding excited to hear from me. “What’ve you been up to today?”

“’M drunk.” I slurred. “Come here.”

“What? Where are you? Hang on, Sara. I’m coming to get you.” She sounded like she was ready to panic, as she scurried to leave her apartment. Oh, Tegan. You’re too good for me, I thought.

I told her where I was, and that I was in the bathroom and would stay put. I just sat down against the wall to wait, ignoring the gross floor, staring off into space, letting my mind bombard me with thoughts that I’d wanted to avoid. How was I supposed to move forward when I had tried everything already? But then again, I really hadn’t been able to complete a single day correctly as far as Tegan went. I owed her better than this.

“Sara!” Tegan cried out in relief as she rushed to my side, taking my face in her hands and checking me over. “What the fuck happened to you?” I could tell that she was looking for symptoms that I might need a hospital. She cared so much, which just made everything harder.

“Not important.” I managed as she helped me up. “Can’t go home.”

“I’ll just take you to my place, is that ok?”

I nodded and leaned against her. She guided me into the Uber she had taken to the bar and buckled my seatbelt for me. I rested my head against the window and closed my eyes.

“Sara?!” Tegan shook my shoulder.

“’M  fine.” I brushed her hand away. “Tired.”

She sighed at that.

Tegan, as promised, brought me to her apartment. She plugged my phone in with a charger I kept there, removed my shoes and jacket, and helped me into her bed. She propped my head up with pillows and placed a trash can with a plastic bag lining it next to me, as well as a large glass of water and some aspirin. She encouraged me to eat part of a grilled cheese sandwich and have some water. I didn’t consume much before I fell asleep, but I was aware of Tegan lightly kissing my forehead and making sure I would be comfortable despite me being positioned so that I wouldn’t drown in my own vomit. That sort of affection was something that was rare, but I found myself smiling sadly at all that she’d done for me. I didn’t deserve her affections. Good thing she wouldn’t remember it, and I would.


	5. Day 5

Again, I awoke in bed with Stacy, but I now knew what to do; it was time to give everything to the person I should have been focusing on the entire time: Tegan. How could I have ever practically given up on her, the way I had the day before? Just because I wanted results didn’t mean I had any excuse for not trusting my gut and believing that Tegan would lead me home. I should have trusted my instincts, but I wouldn’t make the same mistake again; starting that very instant, I would look inside myself and listen to what I was saying.

Currently, the voice inside of me whispered that I should go to Tegan and do something nice for her. Making breakfast sprang to mind… I climbed out of bed before Stacy could even complain about me hogging the sheets. I was dressed before she finished checking her phone, and I was out of the apartment before she got dressed. That was my last thought about her for the rest of the day; I’d deal with her and my relationship with her later.

Tegan was asleep when I arrived, but I was able to move lightly and quietly as I slipped inside, using the key she had given me. I took off my shoes and muffled any sound that resulted from me making her waffles with bacon and a fruit and yogurt smoothie. When it was all ready, I went into the bedroom to wake her up.

“No Mum, go away,” She mumbled through her stage between sleep and being awake. “I liked that dream.”

“I think you’re going to like reality just as much if you’d just wake up,” I assured her, my voice quiet and gentle. “C’mon Tegan; wake up… your breakfast is gonna get cold.”

“Sara?” She lifted her heavy eyelids, but then sat up as abruptly as she could. “What’re you doing here?!” She asked, though it was hard to take her seriously with the sleepy look about her person and giant yawn that followed that question.

“I came here to have my Viking funeral—I came to see you of course,” I said, starting out sarcastic and ending the sentence like I was starting the obvious, which, in my opinion, I was. But if Tegan didn’t think I sounded like I was stating the obvious, she was right. Today, she got to be right and have everything she wanted. She got to be happy this time. I would do anything to make her happy. I knew that I had done wrong, time and time again, but this had to be the time I got it right.  “I made breakfast, get up and eat it before it gets cold.”

Tegan sat up, stumbling out of bed in her pajamas. She put on her slippers and bathrobe. “What’d you make?” She asked.

“It’s a surprise for you,” I replied, sort of teasingly. “I want to spend today with you, and we can do whatever you want; anything you desire.”

Tegan’s eyes lit up, and I led her out into the kitchen, where she grinned as she saw the meal I had prepared for her. She devoured it as I cleaned up, figuring out my next move.

“What do you want to do today?” I inquired.

“I was thinking of going for a walk next to the beach today, even though it’s cold,” Tegan answered. I nodded, smiling.

“I can make that happen,” I promised. She found the beach calming, but also fascinating, and could spend hours on end just sitting there; observing, even without talking. I could understand, but I preferred to have a book with me. “Do you want to chill in addition to walking around, or what?”

“I want to do both,” Tegan informed me, leaning forward. “Do you feel like spending the morning at a beach in February?”

“I’m up for anything you’re up for,” I assured her. “I don’t have a book with me, but I can borrow one of yours.”

“Or we could just go to your apartment real quick.” Tegan offered. I made a face. “What?”

“I really don’t want to see Stacy today, so I’d rather not go to my apartment today,” I explained. “It’s time that we broke up, but I really don’t want to do that right now. I just… I felt like I haven’t really had enough quality time with you lately, so I just… I need my sister.”

Tegan’s smiled did not waver on her face, but I could see it wavering in her eyes.

Some people only fantasized about knowing someone as well as I knew Tegan, but this was my reality. Perhaps this was why she was in love with me. There was nobody else in the world that I could have a relationship that had been so rocky and go to hell and back with, and still be able to tolerate them for so many years, and still, have more that I was willing to spend with them. But I could never leave Tegan. She and I were bound to each other. I loved her, and I would continue to love her. It was an intense relationship which, after years of difficulty, got easier. We stopped taking shit out on each other, and maybe that’s when Tegan fell; when things got better, and we were more comfortable being affectionate with each other, especially in public. At first, she had been pretty easily affectionate with me, but then for a few months, which kind of coincided with her breakup, she was withdrawn. And then, after that, she was extremely affectionate with me. It went from basically zero to one hundred after having previously been at a fifty, but everything kind of made sense now that I knew that she had feelings for me.

“Are you ok?” Tegan asked softly, her smile disappearing.

“Yeah, I’m completely fine,” I assured her. “Me and Stacy breaking up has been a long time coming. She and I don’t love each other, and I don’t know if we ever did. I’m happy now because I’ve figured out what I want; to spend today with you. I’ve been a bad sister lately, and I want to make up for that.” Tegan studied my face for a moment and found that I was being completely honest. We smiled in unison.

“When do you want to leave?” Tegan resumed eating her breakfast.

“As soon as you’re ready,” I replied simply, winking. “I’ll go put together a bag.” I went into the hall and packed a backpack with some stuff we might need (for example: snacks, water bottles, baby wipes) as Tegan finished up her breakfast, showered, and got dressed.

When we departed towards the beach, Tegan began telling me about her evening, and how deep into the internet she had gotten when watching YouTube videos; watching ‘Everytime We Touch’ fan music videos for pairings of TV show she had never even watched and YouTubers just sitting and talking about experiences with all sorts of morbid and horrible things, until Tegan fell asleep in bed with her phone at her side and then having weird dreams before I awoke her. I just watched her face, admiring the look in her eyes as she made fun of herself rather than the creators of the videos she was watching, and the slightly embarrassed smile when she admitted that she had hit the like button on each video that she watched; something that she always did just to be nice because content creators should be encouraged.

I began to wonder if I was developing feelings for Tegan. Certainly, she was physically pleasing to look at, and I did love her as a sister and always would… Maybe I was just overthinking things because she was in love with me. I didn’t want to do something I’d regret unless it was for her. But to be honest, I didn’t know if I could actually regret something if it was for Tegan. Tegan was my way out, and I needed to make her happy now. None of the past several nights had particularly ended on a high note for her either. My personal mission was to fix that. If Tegan got a happy ending, so did I, and that would be that.

When we arrived at the beach, Tegan picked the bench she liked; one that wasn’t right next to a trash can and one that did not have dicks drawn on it with a sharpie. It was a little bit wet, so I put a picnic blanket over it for the both of us, and we sat down next to each other, and Tegan put her earbuds in so that she could drift off and watch the world. I opened the book she had recommended to me but didn’t make it very far before my mind began to wander. I placed the book next to me; on the side that was away from Tegan, as there wasn’t enough space between us.

Tegan sensed the movement and glanced at me. I flashed a smile, which was enough for her to know that nothing was wrong, and went back to getting lost in nature. The music helped her focus on nature and process her deep thoughts. Maybe that night, she’d tell me what she was thinking about. Her mind and thoughts were just as beautiful as she was externally; if not more, and there was nobody else I could have as deep of a conversation with.

She was next to me, absentmindedly turning her phone over and over in her hands and swinging her legs separately from each other as she stared off at the probably freezing cold waves. The salty air played with the hair that was sticking out from under her beanie, and she had this smile on her face that would almost look blithe to anyone else. However, I knew that it was wistful and that she wished she could melt into the water and be a part of it. Tegan wasn’t the best swimmer and knew better than to go farther than she could stand with her neck still above water. Sure, she could swim in calmer waters, but the ocean and its churning and unpredictable waves were a risk that she knew better than to take. Nevertheless, Tegan always loved it and the idea of being part of a force of nature so terrifying but also so soothing and playful. She adored aquariums either because of or despite the rush of adrenaline she always felt at the thought of being a part of the sea and would listen to the sounds of waves or underwater sounds when we were on the tour bus and she was having trouble sleeping. It sometimes worked to lull her to sleep, but other times, she’d stumble out of the bunk, heart pounding, and have to watch TV to relax.

I felt bad about all of the times that I had rolled my eyes or wished she’d stopped talking because this was something that she rarely talked about in-depth with people who weren’t close to her. I guess I had just grown so used to something so valuable that I had forgotten its worth.

Eventually, I picked up the book again and delved back into it. Sometime later, I felt Tegan moving, and then the weight of her head on my shoulder. As a reflex, I looked at her, but my gaze softened into a fond smile, and I rested my head against hers. I wasn’t sure if Tegan was awake and just wanted to be affectionate, or if she was falling asleep, but I didn’t really check. It was hard to tell without seeing her face, but all of the tension ironing out of her as she seemed to be drifting off told me that the latter was true. Personally, I wasn’t sure how she could fall asleep with the cold air on her face, but perhaps there was another motive for sleeping against me. Not that I minded, of course.

Somehow, with the combinations of the waves, the overcast sky, and Tegan were all making me feel relaxed enough to be a bit sleepy. I was hungry, but I honestly didn’t feel like moving. However, my plans didn’t really involve falling asleep by the beach, so we had to get up.

“Hey Tee,” I whispered in her ear, “what do you want for lunch?”

“Hmmm,” Tegan hummed, “Whatever you want, I’ll eat.”

“No, pick something.” I nudged her. “We can get reservations at one of the places overlooking the water…”

“Are you suggesting I get fish and chips like a child?” Tegan gave me an exaggerated offended look.

“I’m suggesting you tell me what you want to eat for lunch,” I replied, poking her until she sat up and stretched, moving her earbuds and phone into her pocket. She bit her lower lip, and I arched an eyebrow, having an idea of what she might be thinking of saying, but that she wouldn’t actually say.

“Let’s just go to Tim Hortons,” Tegan suggested, shrugging. “You can get adult food, and I can eat like a child.” I smiled.

“I might want some of what you’re having, so I’m not that much of an adult compared to you, unfortunately.” I teased.

“Hey, I remember doing finances while you sat on your ass watching TV.” Tegan protested, grinning.

“I didn’t want to do it, so I made you do it,” I smirked. “Classic younger sibling move. Anyway, get off of the bench. We need to take the blanket.”

“OK, bossy boot.” Tegan stuck her tongue out at me whilst vacating the bench. I stood up and she helped me fold it and put it back in the backpack.

“So Tim Hortons then?” I asked.

“Yeah, as long as you like that idea.” She shrugged. “If there’s something you’re craving, I’m willing to go where you want.”

“I really don’t care where we go or what we eat, though. I’m happy as long as I’m with you.” I offered her a small lopsided smile.

“Same here,” Tegan replied, her eyes wistful.

On the way to finding a Tim Horton’s, we saw a taco truck that looked really good, and surprisingly clean, and Tegan discovered that she was down for that, and since it was Tegan’s day, I indulged in her taco craving with her. I was mapping out my strategy and trying to figure out what to do next, but it did depend on what Tegan actually did want. I knew that the night would end with a really nice dinner, and we’d go back to her apartment.

“What do you want to do now?” I asked after finishing my tacos. In my head, I was going back and forth between different ideas.

“Do you have something planned?” Tegan arched an eyebrow.

“Well, I was wondering if you wanted to do some touristy type shit. Does that sound like fun? We don’t have to…”

“No, that actually sounds like a great time.” Tegan interrupted. “Anything sounds good with you.” She pulled me into a hug that I wasn’t expecting, but I found myself smiling, and we decided to go to the Lookout and just watch the world below for a while.

I was feeling restless and wished that the day would pass faster. I was becoming antsy, and I was willing to do anything in order to get out. While Tegan was able to slowly walk around the place multiple times and stare in the same direction for minutes at a time, I had to keep moving. This seemed like it was the reverse of what it should have been, but repeating this day was getting to me. Time was passing quickly but also slowly. What was I supposed to do with all of the time I was being given, if this didn’t work? What if there was nobody that would set me free? In both Before I Fall and “Groundhog Day”, there was a single person who would set the protagonist free. I didn’t know if I would be able to take it if improving my relationship with Tegan didn’t help… if I were to be stuck in this day for years, I’d probably begin to lose it and splurge on a plane ride somewhere else or get away from everything. But I was able to recognize that acting out these fantasies wouldn’t actually help very much. I would still be distant and trying to run as far as I could, only to be reeled back to my starting point. Nothing would help, except for moving on and being allowed to experience change.

I eventually settled down on a bench and found solace in social media, exploring it and seeing what had been posted by what accounts months ago. This calmed me until I didn’t feel the intense need to run away from everything anymore. Tegan had noticed that I had needed some space to calm myself down, but she was confused; I could tell.

“Do you want to leave?” She offered. “We don’t have to stay because of me. Or you could leave.”

“No!” I protested. “I want to spend today with you. I’m fine. We can stay as long as you want.” Tegan grimaced but nodded.

“What do you want to do after this?” She inquired. And then it hit me; I forgot to plan something for next. I wracked my brains for something to do that Tegan would like.

“We could go shopping or something,” I suggested. “Anywhere you want.”

“I saw this candle store a while ago… I meant to go there to make candles, but I didn’t want to go alone… Could we do that?” She asked.

“Dork,” I remarked with a little smirk.

“You said anywhere I want, so I’d rather be a dork than someone who breaks her promises.” Tegan pouted her lips as she dramatically crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from me; every single movement overly exaggerated. I stifled a giggle at her playful theatrics.

“Alright, we can go, as long as I get to make fun of you.” I teased, standing up and ruffling her hair.

“Hey!” Tegan protested, a grin on her face.

“It looks just like it did thirty seconds ago, sloppy.” I poked her arm. I temporarily stopped feeling like wet cement, bantering with my sister. I let Tegan take the lead on the candle shape, scent, color, only giving my opinion when she asked for it, and encouraging her. I felt like a stereotypical boyfriend or husband, but I was still getting myself back to a more positive outlook. Tegan was having a lot of fun though, and I would have too, if not for my low mood. I’d have to come back to this place with her and make up for dragging her down, no matter if I repeated the day or not.

“I know I have allergies, but I still love scented candles.” Tegan was saying. “That’s probably not weird, but it feels dumb.”

“It’s not,” I assured her. “I like a clean house, but I have cats. Who shed… A lot.”

“Can we go see them? I feel like I haven’t seen my niece and nephew in a long time.” Tegan requested as we were rung up.

“I’m sorry, but that’s probably not the best… We could go to the local shelter, though. They let you meet the cats. And who knows? You might even find a platonic soulmate.” I replied, wincing at the fact that I had to turn her down on something.

“Why not, out of curiosity? Like… it’s fine, but why?” Tegan furrowed her eyebrows in confusion as I guided her out of the store. I started hailing us a cab, tucking the new candle into the backpack.

“I don’t really want to see Stacy today,” I explained. “But you mentioned possibly wanting a cat, so you can at least meet some of the cats at the shelter.” I offered a lopsided smile. I was growing more tired as the day wore on, but my motivation was spiking. I was falling back into strategy mode. I had to make Tegan happy. With every move I made, I had thoughts about how this would push me on the right track. This would make it so that I was good enough to her and would be able to continue my life like normal.

The volunteer at the shelter gave us a funny look when we came in, but I ignored that and explained that Tegan was thinking about adopting a cat, and that led to Tegan going into a room full of cats and baby talking and petting all of them. I joined in a little bit but mainly watched Tegan be a complete dork with a tender smile on my face. She looked so pretty, sitting amidst of all of those felines begging her for attention, and she was getting flustered because she only had two hands, but still wanted to pet all of them. I laughed softly to myself, and pet the cats that came my way. Tegan spent awhile getting to know all of the ones in the room until she came up to me with a reluctant look on her face.

“We should probably go… I think being here for over an hour without adopting anyone is too much…” She said, wringing her hands.

“It’s already been an hour?” I asked, dumbfounded. I checked my phone, and lo and behold, over an hour actually had passed. I let out a breath. I hadn’t gotten the urge to check the time or felt like time should move faster… I’d just been content to live in the moment and watch Tegan. “We need to go back to your apartment and get ready for dinner. I got us reservations.” I winked at my sister, and her mouth dropped open.

“Where?” She asked.

“It’s not too fancy, but you’ll like it. It’s kind of hipster and edgy, but it’s good.” I answered.

“Like I’ve been saying all day, I don’t care too much, as long as it’s you and me together.” Tegan reiterated.

We left the shelter, taking an Uber back to her apartment so that we could clean ourselves up before dinner. Tegan showered and changed her clothes, but I just cleaned my face and neatened up my hair, as I felt no need to shower again. I practiced my pleasant facial expression, and mentally prepped myself. No matter what happened, Tegan had to be kept happy. If she wanted to kiss me, I would kiss her back. I would not break her heart. I would make her happy, and deal with the consequences later; if there were any. My end justified my means, as long as nobody was getting hurt.

I was correct in judgement of my choice of restaurant. Thankfully, it was nowhere near where Stacy and her friends would be going for drinks. I had refused the invitation as soon as I got the text because I knew that it was the right thing to do. Tegan and I were quiet on the ride there; after all, it had been a bit of a day. Over dinner, all Tegan could do was talk about how I had made her day so great, and I could feel myself growing excited. Could this be it? Could this be the point where I was set free?

On the way back to Tegan’s apartment, she was so tired that she rested her head against my shoulder, and I led her by the hand to her apartment, my heart rate speeding up, and my hopes rising. I let us in and switched on the lights, Tegan shutting the door behind me. I took off my shoes and coat, and Tegan surprisingly took them from me and put them in the hall closet. She looked more awake than she had all evening, and even looked a bit nervous…

What…? … Oh. That.

“Sara, there’s something I need to tell you.” She said softly, her voice trembling. “It’s really hard for me to say, but I need to tell you.” She looked beautiful in the low lighting, but not in that way… Or did she?

“Tegan, I know what you’re going to say.” I found myself piping up. “And I want to let you know that it’s ok. I feel things for you too.” I was surprised by my own self telling this lie, which could actually have consequences… But wait, was it a lie? I couldn’t stop now, though. So I closed the space in between us and kissed Tegan’s cheek. She tentatively sought out my lips and softly kissed me. I felt something in my gut as we kissed, but if it had been anyone else, I wouldn’t have considered myself ready and would have wanted more time to figure out my feelings. But this was Tegan, and I wasn’t turned off. No part of me said no, so I figured I might as well dive in. So I asked her if she wanted me and her whispered answer was affirmative. That was enough for me.

Tegan shyly went into her bedroom, me right behind her, and undressed with her lip in between her teeth. I was halfway into discarding my own clothing when I asked where the condoms were because I didn’t want to accidentally hurt Tegan. She pulled a box out of the back of her bedside drawer, and we disappeared beneath the sheets together.

I enjoyed it, but Tegan clearly felt more for me than I did for her. If I let myself, I would feel more, and I would… I just needed time. It probably wasn’t the best idea to go right into sex, but it let me experiment and figure things out. If I were to do it again, I wouldn’t have though. It was nice, and I didn’t regret it, but I wanted more time to develop my feelings for Tegan. I was exhausted from the day, and then all of the days before that.


	6. Day 6

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I finally opened my eyes. I was still in a bed, and there was still someone next to me, but I wasn’t sure who it was. I half wanted it to be Tegan, but the other half of me wanted to do it over again, and spend the day in a way that was a lot more me… Something easier and more relaxed. I no longer felt the need to jump through any hoops. I finally knew what I wanted to do that day.

When my eyes opened, they were unfocused, and it took a minute for me to see that I was in the apartment Stacy and I shared. I let out a breath and climbed out of bed. I didn’t put on my jeans; instead picking yoga pants because I wanted to wear comfortable clothing for my plans.

I was in the kitchen making breakfast when Stacy came out through the hallway, clad in the pajamas I’d taken off of her so long ago. I turned back to my cooking, as to not burn myself. She went around me to pour herself a cup of coffee, not speaking to me. I saw her glance into the pan to look at the eggs I was making, and she immediately knew that there was enough for both of us. So Stacy sat down without making a move to put together any breakfast for herself. I wasn’t petty enough to make two servings and not let her have a portion. Just extra work for me, and I used to prefer to be explicit in my selfishness. Now though… I was in no mood to fight anymore. I was tired of everything, and I wanted to move on.

I placed a plate in front of Stacy and then sat down across from her with my own plate. Both of us began to eat.

“I think we need to break up,” I remarked calmly, as though commenting on the weather. “Both of the cats are mine, though.”

“Why do you want to break up?” Stacy asked, sitting back as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“There’s no reason for us to stay together.” I was stating the obvious, but it needed to finally be said. “Look, we don’t love each other, and we don’t enjoy being a couple, so why not end it? We need to go see other people and move on with our lives. No point in making ourselves miserable.”

“What belongs to who, though?” She asked, sounding kind of dangerous. I decided to remain calm and act aloof. That way there would be no huge fight.

“We can figure it out later. But like I said; the cats are mine.” I took a bite of eggs. “I wanted them, I went and got them, so therefore they’re mine. I even signed the legal papers for them. Feel free to take the TV though.” With that, both of us shut up about it, but I felt better. I felt a sense of accomplishment like I had finally gotten something done after days of procrastination. And it wasn’t done in a way that I didn’t like, so there was that bonus.

After breakfast, I cleaned up the kitchen, and cleaned up after the cats, making sure that they had food and water, as well as a clean litter box. I did a little bit of cleaning around the apartment and finally decided to text Tegan and let her know that I wanted to hang out with her. A couple minutes later she replied saying that she’d love to have me over. Upon seeing that, I took a deep breath. I wasn’t going to try anymore. No more planning. No more bending over backward. Just me and what I wanted, especially since I had finally figured out what those things were. I was sure I had figured out what the universe wanted out of me.

Tegan and I texted back and forth a little bit as I got ready to go over to her place, bantering a bit. Instead of putting on jeans and trying to look like I had my life together, I left my sweatpants on. I also didn’t brush my hair; instead just putting it into a chaotic ponytail. Anyone who might have any opinions would just have to suck it, and Tegan would always take me as I am.

In between receiving texts on the way over, I looked around at the area around me. Winter was pretty dreary, so there honestly wasn’t much nature to look at and admire, and I really wasn’t in the mood to watch people if there wasn’t anything particularly exciting that they were doing. Besides, I wanted to get inside and park myself on Tegan’s couch for a while. I was aware of how much a day could feel like a waste if I just didn’t do very much and mainly sat around on some sort of electronic device, but I didn’t care. I earned this. I earned the right to do nothing after days of trying to do something but failing to accomplish anything. I needed to relax, and who better to do that with than Tegan? We were a good team when there weren’t any problems affecting us.

Upon arriving at Tegan’s apartment, I just let myself in and didn’t even say anything as I entered the apartment and put away my outer layers before venturing over to the couch and sitting next to Tegan, who was watching some Netflix show that had aesthetics that deserved a shit ton of awards.

“Hey,” She said sweetly, glancing over at me, but continuing to watch it.

“Hi,” I replied tousling her already messy locks. “I see we’re both in the club of not brushing our hair today.”

“You took the ‘almost trying’ ponytail route and I didn’t even pretend to try,” Tegan observed. She was eating a bowl of cereal, and it was obvious that she’d already gotten milk on her shirt. I snickered to myself upon seeing that but settled down to watch what Tegan was watching. “Do you want me to start it over again?”

“If you’re ok with that.” I shrugged. “I don’t want to hold you back though.”

“You’re not,” Tegan assured me. “I just want you to be able to follow it.”

“Ok, as long as you’re sure.” In response to that, Tegan started the first episode again. I scoffed, but she scooted closer to me and rested her head on my shoulder.

During our hours-long binge-watch, we kept both offering snarky remarks or discussing certain things that we liked or disliked about things in the show, and sometimes held conversations about other things that came to mind. We took turns getting snacks and drinks from the kitchen; helpfully turning up the volume and turning on audio description mode so that neither of us missed anything while either of us was away, especially when bathroom breaks were happening.

“It sucks that season two won’t come for a while,” Tegan muttered. “This show is so good.” I shrugged.

“We know how long it takes to produce content, so maybe you should have a bit more patience and sympathy.” I teased, poking her in the ribs. Tegan squirmed, letting out a little yelp due to being ticklish. I stood up and began stretching and moving around.

“I know, but I still like instant gratification, you know?” Tegan pouted exaggeratedly. I snorted, leaning over to tap the tip of her nose. She grinned.

“I am well-aware of that,” I stated, quirking an eyebrow. “You should probably move around a bit. That way you don’t get stiff and miserable. Hey, there’s some instant gratification for you.”

“You’re so mean to me,” Tegan sighed dramatically.

“And you’re so theatrical. Good thing we went into a performing art, otherwise that might have been wasted.” I grinned.

Tegan stood up and began stretching, letting out hilarious noises as she did. She still acted kind of young sometimes, especially when it was just the two of us dicking around, and that was something I loved about Tegan. She and I could be anyone and anything together. We could express any moods in front of each other, and say anything. It was honestly like a marriage. I did have feelings for her, but I knew that I had to take this at my own pace. It never ends up well when you rush yourself, especially with your twin sister. But I would tell her how I felt that night if it felt correct for the moment, but only then. Tegan didn’t have to know until it was the right time for me.

We ate some lunch and did laundry, but then resumed our binge-watching, but this time under a blanket and no getting up for snacks… Neither of us really wanted to move, to be honest, so it just happened that way. I personally liked being curled up against Tegan, us leaning against each other. We caught each other’s eyes and nudged one another over random shit and remarked upon things, but I felt slightly nervous pressed against Tegan at the same time as feeling completely at home. In plainest words, it was weird, but I knew why.

Finishing the first season didn’t really evoke any emotion out of me, as I was only partially invested into the characters and plot; instead preferring to think about Tegan and fantasizing about kissing her, even though I technically had before, but my imagination provided a much better setting with an aesthetic that would steal someone’s breath away. There would be moments where all of the air in my lungs would escape me due to my thoughts about this place where I was becoming intimate with Tegan in my mind’s eye. My imagination also allowed me to picture being with her in public without judgment. The idea of kissing her on a sidewalk with low lighting at night, snow falling romantically, was probably the most ridiculous thing I’d fantasized about. I knew what snow was like. It was cold and wet. It wasn’t sweet or cute, or fun to have peppering one’s hair. But the thought of Tegan’s lips gently touching mine as we both tried not to smile and ruin the kiss gave me warm little butterflies in my gut. I felt like a teenage girl, but perhaps Tegan and I should have developed mutual feelings for each other sooner. But better late than never. Besides, we’d finally resolved a bunch of shit that strained things, and now we could move onwards and upwards.

“What do you want to do now?” Tegan asked, looking to me. I shrugged with one shoulder. It was late afternoon.

“How about a movie?” I suggested. “A gay one.” She grinned.

“Which one do you want?” Tegan asked. “You know which ones I have, right?” I nodded.

“How about ‘But I’m A Cheerleader’?” I suggested. We smirked together, Tegan nodding enthusiastically, so we watched that. Rather than eat dinner, we filled up on popcorn and snacks, growing lethargic and tired as we leaned against each other, smiling at the movie and our inside jokes associated with it. For us, it was the first gay movie we’d been able to see and enjoy, and we’d watched it together more than a couple of times. But this time, my heart picked up towards the end. I knew that it would be happy, but it made me want to act out at least part of my fantasies from earlier. “Tegan,” I whispered as the credits rolled. She turned her head to face me. I took a moment to take in her beauty before leaning in slightly. “There’s something you need to know.”

“What is it?” She inquired breathlessly.

“May I show you?” I pleaded. She nodded, and I slowly and carefully placed a soft kiss on her lips. Immediately, she kissed back, and our little bubble where nobody else existed seemed to expand, and she and I were the only ones that had ever been, and ever would be. I pulled back after I ran out of air. Tegan was looking at me in awe with shining eyes.

“I can’t believe you feel that way about me.” She sounded like she was on the verge of tears, but the corners of her mouth tugged up into a happy smile.

I pulled her into an embrace, kissing her temple.

“I thought I was hiding it well, but I guess I wasn’t.”

I grinned at that, my kisses trailing down to her cheek, and then back down to her lips as I laid her down on the couch. The only language we needed was between our lips touching each other’s flesh. Nothing else existed or mattered. There was just us.

We didn’t come close to removing any garments; rather just changing into sets of Tegan’s pajamas (I had to borrow a pair and we each changed in the bathroom), and just went to bed cuddling and kissing some more until we were too tired to continue. I remember gazing at Tegan as she slipped off into dreamland. She looked so lovely and peaceful when asleep, and I was so relaxed and content that I didn’t remember closing my eyes to fall asleep.


	7. Epilogue

I felt my bed partner moving around until she wrapped her arms around me, snuggling up against me. I could feel her body warmth despite both of our layers of pajamas. The covers were so warm and cozy, and I never wanted to move. I burrowed down against the pillow, content with my bed partner’s arm slung over me, and her front pressed against my back. I could feel her breathing against the back of my neck, softly blowing warmly against my hair and skin. It was actually a nice sensation, and it felt intimate. Eventually, I brought myself to open my eyes and carefully rolled over only to see Tegan in bed with me. Or rather, I was in bed with her, since it was her bed and apartment. I grinned, wrapping an arm around her. I placed a soft kiss on her forehead. She slowly opened her soft hazel eyes to see me staring back at her, a blissful smile on my face.

“Oh hey,” She murmured, her voice scratchy.

“Oh hi,” I replied back. She moved forward and kissed me gently.

Her breath didn’t taste good, but I imagined that mine was probably just as bad. I wanted to be with her for countless mornings to come. I wanted to figure out my life with her. I wanted to debate over whose turn it was to make breakfast or feed the cats or clean their litter boxes. I wanted to pass off the duty of taking out the trash to her over and over. I wanted to discuss who had to go tell the neighbors to shut up and let us sleep. I wanted to steal her clothing, and let her steal mine. I wanted to hold her hand in the shadowed back of a car, heart beating loudly as I hoped that the driver wouldn’t notice. I wanted to steal kisses in brief moments alone, hoping to god that nobody had silent feet and could move at the speed of light. I wanted to lay in bed staring at our phones without talking, just happy to be in bed together. I wanted us to baby talk the cats together. I wanted to tell Tegan that she was beautiful every single day. I wanted to surprise her with flowers on random days just to make her smile. I wanted to hold the umbrella more over her than myself, and have her protest and remind me that she didn’t mind getting a little bit wet, and then smirk to myself over her getting more than a little bit wet underneath me. I wanted to mindlessly touch her when it was just us. I wanted to risk everything in my life to be with her because all of those thoughts made me happy. I was willing to give her more than I would ever give to my other girlfriends. I wanted to be with Tegan forever, through good times and bad.

I wanted Tegan.

At the moment that I pulled away from Tegan’s kiss, it hit me that I finally realized what real love was; that it even existed, and I had trouble breathing because I was so happy in that moment. Tears slowly rose to my eyes and I kissed her again.

“I love you, Tegan.” I murmured against her lips. I felt her gasp. Smiling, I kissed the top of her head. “I never want to be without you.”

“I love you too.” Tegan choked out. She was starting to cry, most likely overwhelmed with emotions. I hushed her happy tears.

“We’re going to figure things out, you and me,” I promised, tears slipping out of my own eyes. “I know it’s so early into this relationship and that it won’t be easy… But, Tegan… I lost so much time, but I feel like I finally got it right.”


End file.
